The Unconditional Trust
I have always been a woman of little faith, Lord, please don’t give up on me. This article, written in mid-to-late March 2024, summarizes the experiences and insights of the past month.
Love requires immense faith and always demands caution, because love must confront the darkness of human nature—both in others and in oneself. One must be prepared to be hurt by the darkness in others, and also vigilant against causing harm to others through one’s own darkness. Love is the most difficult thing.
I must admit, I can’t love yet.
I still find myself doing regrettable things in moments of impulsiveness, as if I could be consumed by my own darkness at any time. The loneliness and anger of being misunderstood, along with the long-standing compromise and lack of coherence, have built up a strong desire within me for release. So when faced with disappointment or hurt, I become indifferent and self-centered, disregarding understanding and respect for others.
But that’s not what this piece is about. You see, I have started contemplating “love” because I began to understand “faith.”
In my confusion, and even in my doubt of You, I started to fall into my own darkness again. But You held me up again and again. This time you reminded me of Peter and Abraham.
I suddenly realized that I had begun to contemplate the proposition of “faith.”
I used to criticize those who claimed to be Christians, saying that they could never see the narrow gate of Abraham’s faith, because they were lazy and cowardly, squeezing God into their narrow imaginations and seeking “peace and joy,” and they couldn’t even see Peter’s narrow gate of honesty.
Have I finally crossed that gate of “honesty”?
From acknowledging my limitations, to recognizing my deep sins, and then falling into great confusion and powerlessness, I finally knelt down and prayed to You for help, seeking a miracle. Each step of this journey was accompanied by reflection on countless details of my past life that I couldn’t bear to face, piercing me to the core.
When I realized that I could never overcome the various foolish habits within myself, nor bring any light to those relatives and compatriots who deceive themselves in the darkness, nor even come close to the realm of martyrdom, all I could do was to weep bitterly, like Peter realizing that he truly betrayed the Lord.
I weep day after day, longing for someone to save me from this, yet failing to see that the narrow gate of “honesty” I once spoke of lies behind me.
Lord, as I awoke again to explore the depths of my inner being, regain the ability and method to examine myself, and gain the courage to confront and battle my own darkness, I have crossed this first narrow gate.
Now, I see far ahead the gate of Abraham’s faith.
“Abraham, I promised you that your descendants would be as numerous as the stars, but now I ask you to sacrifice your only son. Without Isaac, what descendants could you expect? Abraham, do you still trust Me?”
Lord, Your miracles are not just about getting me out, but about setting me on the journey of faith.
“I led you on the path of revelation with miracles, responded to your prayers many times, and gave you hope; now, all is in vain, and you still struggle alone. Do you still trust Me?”
“What you trust in, is it the good that you believe I will certainly fulfill, or is it My good, My love?”
“You desire family, love, and freedom of faith. This is what drives you to leave your homeland. Will you trust Me like Abraham did?”