The Fellowship (Pt.3)

The traps of human nature are everywhere, so we must always be careful in all matters related to love. Any love not thoroughly thought through can sometimes serve to soothe our vanity, and at other times, may even enslave others in the name of love.

So how exactly should I be “loved” in a way that aligns with truth?

Even though I know that love given by sinners will inevitably come with hurt, and even I, with all my caution, cannot avoid hurting others, because I am also a sinner.

But I hope someone can see my true self, respect my soul and the heavy burdens I carry, not escape from or exploit my pain, nor diminish the truth I am committed to; and even dare to suffer with me for truth, and stand with me in repentance for God’s holiness.

…Does such a need also mean that most people simply cannot love me? They are unwilling to pay that price.

And the church is particularly unable to love me, because too many people hide behind a so-called “spiritual” protective shield, refusing to respond to the deep needs of a soul truly open, yet they must pretend to have love.

If even I am so hard to love, then how few must be those who can truly love Jesus?

I’m not talking about that widely proclaimed God and Savior, the ideal vessel. Because the human heart—it would rather worship a distant, abstract God, using Him to elevate its self-narrative, than humble itself and approach a concrete, real person who loves without defense.

Even if He is “the Incarnation of the Word.”

Waking up on Thursday morning, I received two distinctly different messages. One was from a sister, of the kind described earlier, talking about “unity.” She was self-moved by Jesus’ words, but as the conversation progressed, facing her own empathy disabled by self-defense mechanisms, she righteously dismissed understanding me as jumping into my “box,” and smeared deep communication of self-sacrificing unity as being “like a parasite in my stomach” and a “conjoined twin.”

I was pushed to my limit by her arrogant, contradictory rhetoric, and finally, with satisfaction, dismantled it all and drew clear boundaries.

The other message was from the Zimbabwean sister:

“Girl! You are so powerful and you can even shake mountains, at will, and on your speech 🫨Oh my God. I don’t want to mention any names or groups but I just want to remind you of the community groups (leaders that got sanctions) because of your truth!! You are beyond my own imagination.”

“I don’t want to be crowned gossip queen just yet. All I can say is that the mighty start to tremble when you get upset. And I have seen you do it twice, by the way! Girl what more are you capable of? 🤣 And it is not a bad thing by the way. Own your power 💪🏾 and use it with caution 😉 cause wooow 🫨”

I re-read the encouragement she had sent me before:

“Your deep sense of thinking is something that I actually admire. You place things into another perspective, very thought provoking and only a shallow mind will be offended.”

And from other brothers and sisters:

“I will read more about all that you wrote as I truly want to know what God wants from me. Today I feel it is catholic church but I will read more about the beginning of protestantism as it seems I did not have a full understanding. Thanks again!”

“If you are going to be in Barcelona sometimes we can catch up if you don’t mind. Looking at you, learning from you my faith can also increase.”

“I will read what you recommended and surely come with more questions. I am a baby Christian and don’t know a lot of stuff!”

“I don’t need to remember I was in the foundation’s class you were sitting on the left hand side and I was sitting on the right hand side. My learning is one foot to your one foot there so I’m learning about Christ also a lot I don’t know too much about the Bible I’ve just read Matthew Mark Luke and John so far.”

I suddenly felt these fragments were truly beautiful, and very real.

They didn’t reduce me to a “patient needing psychological comfort,” nor did they try to condescendingly lecture, define, or co-opt me with an “attitude of love.” Instead, they acknowledged my power, were inspired by my thinking, respected my spiritual depth, and were willing to openly inquire – perhaps we can honor each other as fellow warriors on this narrow path of truth.

Isn’t this what I’ve been searching for all along?

I was forced to breathe in an atmosphere that tried to be warm and loving but rejected the cross, and that air was suffocating to me. I am lonely, longing, and broken, but what I love is not “others loving me,” but “us loving truth together.”

It is to give each other more courage to cut off stumbling hands and feet, to gouge out stumbling eyes – to live like You, in the voice that calls me “beloved son/daughter.”

Perhaps in the future I will constantly leave suffocating atmospheres, but I won’t be wandering alone. Because there will always be people who naturally draw near to me, to dialogue, inquire, learn, and resonate with me.

They are not the majority, perhaps only the 7,000 You have left—

But we will eventually meet.