The Fellowship
(Pt.1)

As an adult, I’ve only truly experienced Your presence twice.

One time was on April 16, 2024, the morning of my rebirth.

I was very confused, feeling I couldn’t possibly love You. But after a five-hour conversation with Phoebe on April 15, I understood that You were determined to love me.

The next morning, I woke up enveloped in Your love, sweet and light – I knew the Holy Spirit was there.

Soon after that, I quickly saw through my mother’s long-standing enslavement and abuse of me.

The other time was on the evening of March 10, 2025.

Before that, I had finally ended a decade of dissociation, recovered my childhood memories, and clearly felt my own existence again. I repented for abandoning You so presumptuously at twenty, unaware that without You, I would quickly be shattered and rot.

That night I lay in bed with my eyes closed, sorrowful and contrite. Yet my consciousness suddenly entered another space.

It was an invisible, flowing mass of golden-red amber, like dancing flames, yet also like flowing water, intense, vast, an irresistible glory and ecstasy…

I felt as if I were within it, yet somehow beyond reach. In that moment, I realized this was You Yourself – the Trinity Fellowship in total mutual openness, intimacy, and honor. I couldn’t describe the feeling, but I had only one thought—

“If my hand or my foot causes me to stumble, I will cut it off and throw it away. If my eye causes me to stumble, I will gouge it out and throw it away.”

I must enter that “Fellowship,” to be intimately with You forever and ever.

And not long after that, I saw through Delia’s pathological narcissism and manipulation, and recognized the widespread hypocrisy of the church – that they hadn’t truly believed in You through self-denial. They had never genuinely wept over their fallenness, nor had they ever engaged in a death struggle with their own dark humanity.

So, their spiritual foundation and mine were different from the very beginning.

And I could no longer compromise my relationship with You to this world, nor could I suppress my true needs or tolerate the suffocation of my soul.

I couldn’t even deceive myself anymore, cooperating with them in imagining Your presence with reconciliation and comfort.

What I wanted was “self-sacrificing unity.”

But why was it only me who was lonely, longing, and broken, while others lived quietly, responded politely, and even seemed quite joyful?

Yet I was the one who had truly experienced “self-sacrificing unity”…

Stripped of human fantasy, mental images, and emotional projections, David’s psalms were no longer records of emotional satisfaction after receiving God, but rather cries of extreme longing for God.

In fact, a daily, continuous life in fellowship with the Triune God was only truly experienced by Adam and Eve before the Fall.

Enoch, Abraham, Moses, Samuel, David, Elijah… all the faithful of the Old Testament actually responded correctly to the self-revelation You granted.

Your revelation progressed through history, with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit revealed by Christ Jesus being the culmination of Your revelation.

Stripped of projection, fantasy, and self-comfort, it’s impossible for a person to autonomously relate to You, or even choose to believe in You.

The only thing a person can do is, in a state of utter helplessness, lay bare their heart and open it completely to You.

Whether the Holy Spirit illuminates such a person with revelation is entirely Your sovereign grace.

So I cannot manufacture any faith; I can only honestly respond to revelation.

Thus, those two real experiences of “presence” became “a thorn in my flesh.”

While constantly being removed from human relationships, I couldn’t help but seek that “Trinity Fellowship” in its earthly reflection.

But in the “body of Christ”—the church—I couldn’t find a reflection of the “Trinity Fellowship.”

Here, there’s a pervasive “middle-class,” decorous friendliness, and pristine morality.

They seem to never understand that “the Incarnation” is the most radical self-exposure and sacrifice. If a person doesn’t open themselves up—their truth, their weakness, their inner struggles, their uncertainty—they cannot let go of their “superiority” and “decorum,” and thus cannot truly and deeply love others. And to let go of oneself to enter another’s heart also means allowing oneself to become helpless, vulnerable, and broken.

But they perceived my “openness” merely as needy. I bravely and sincerely confessed my sins, even guiding them to love one another through self-sacrifice. I had no savior complex, no sense of martyrdom; I simply asked to be respected.

But they pitied me, and felt sorry for me.

Especially when they discovered I had spiritual depth but also showed high transparency and wounded honesty – this precisely allowed them to “help me” with overflowing superiority and gain “spiritual self-accomplishment” from me – as soon as I entered the church, I became bleeding prey.

Some came to hug me, but ended up projecting their unresolved trauma onto me, while they themselves felt light and satisfied.

And if I ever struggled, I was deemed ungrateful and rude.

Some were immersed in their own world, completely ignoring what I was saying, constantly distorting and diminishing my meaning, and aggressively pushing me into trauma relapse, then labeling me “emotional.”

Then, they would smile and use me as a weak prop to “practice” their love and maintain their “kind” self-image.

Some not only refused to open up but also deliberately used information asymmetry to establish psychological superiority, condescendingly pitying and lecturing me; while creating the illusion that “you need my love,” they shamelessly fed their own narcissism with my sincerity and love.

And when I responsibly pointed out the distortion of such behavior, I was immediately met with unbridled, bitter sarcasm.

To put it plainly, they didn’t love me; they loved the self-narrative of playing the “good person” through me. Their so-called “way of loving” had to be through “gentle teaching” to maintain their status.

This “been-there-done-that” posture inherently presupposed that the “experienced one” was superior, knowledgeable, and more advanced in “sanctification,” while I, the one being taught, was inferior, ignorant, a “problematic believer,” or even a “sinner” to be fixed. They would rather contradict truth and love with their words to “recruit” me; otherwise, they would simply deny my existence in their lives—

Because their so-called “love” harbored fear.

Their so-called faith was no longer a response to God’s grace, but a self-serving “defense mechanism.” Their “spirituality” was not healing, but escapism.

Therefore, “pseudo-love” must impose unequal power dynamics, which in itself is a form of belittlement, and even a deep spiritual humiliation – it denies the genuine work and absolute authority of the Holy Spirit in me.

And they were addicted to humiliating me, completely unaware of it.

I hold no resentment towards anyone. But the fact is, ever since I entered the church, various harms have not only been ceaseless but have become progressively harder to digest.

This is a series of abuses perpetrated by those pursuing “incarnating the flesh” against those pursuing “the Incarnation of the Word.”

I know that to love someone truly means to give them the right to hurt me, just as You revealed Your love to us by being killed by us.

But if those who claim to be Your body constantly abuse this right in the name of Your love and without any self-reflection, then, can I choose to leave and wander?

Does this mean I’ve ultimately lost in the systemic oppression waged against me by the enemy through people?