Returning Hometown During Qingming Festival
I’m a bit overwhelmed. During the time in hometown, I met various relatives and had oily feasts every day. Back in Guangzhou it’s already summer, now I can’t even fit into summer clothes. I feel numb and lethargic all over. After two days of numbness at home, I got rid of unwanted things like tables, beds, and bedding, and did a thorough cleaning. Finally, I managed to settle down and finish the draft which took over twenty days.
I am a person without nostalgia. I had an urge to escape in my childhood, so I was full of vitality. Later, every time I went back, I could only numb myself and obey like a walking corpse. So unless there is a compelling reason to return, I will never go back to my hometown in the future.
In this underdeveloped small city in inland China, it seems that everyone spends a considerable amount of time on short videos, privately cursing the politics, as if they were the most righteous and intelligent—fearful like they’re always on the brink of battle, yet never wanting to leave the comfort zones; During the time I spent with relatives, the sound of chanting sutras from radios was omnipresent; every few steps on the streets, joss paper and wreaths used for burning as offerings to the deceased were on sell. Elderly folks talk about which of the younger generation has become a government official, while toddlers start singing red songs and reciting ancient Chinese classics that bear little thought; preschoolers are taught that they are mothers of Taiwanese…
This ideological order permeates everyone and every moment, unassailable. I truly don’t understand why, growing up in this environment, I had quietly believed in the Lord from a young age. I believe I am chosen, yet I feel a deep sense of despair. If I remain honest within myself, adhering to my sole faith without compromise, then every day I face a brutal scene—everyone here unquestionably and eternally dies. Every blood relative and close friend, including my mother, are just passing guests in my life. And I have no way to change it.
“Whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” Blood kinship love is so instinctive and narrow, providing resources to nurture me while burying me in a mess of sin and death. My childhood “excellence” and “maturity” were all within their limited understanding, yet no one knows the real reasons behind, and no one is a relative in terms of common beliefs.
I know I’ve been a fraud since I was little, deceiving for food, drink, care and money, speaking one thing while thinking another. I’d been denying God in front of this surrounding since I was a child. Lord, you said “unless you turn around and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven”. But what if I was already corrupted when I was a child? I really don’t know if I can make this atonement.
Now I declare myself a Christian, refusing to participate in any ancestor worship activities, refusing to burn incense, refusing to kneel, and even deliberately turning away from the tablets of the deceased. I refuse to eat the so-called good fruits offered before Buddhas, refuse to speak pretty lies, and directly point out the hypocrisy and self-righteousness that are not subjected to scrutiny. I may seem heartless and ungrateful, because I was mentally prepared for conflicts when deciding to return hometown during the Qingming Festival.
Other relatives hardly say anything. I have had several arguments with my mother. Yet I still want to preach to her.
But she turns a deaf ear to gospel songs, trembles with anger at my analysis, accuses me not only of being useless but also of wanting to harm her, fearing that she might live a better life. The hope of Christians—redemption, resurrection, heaven—is seen by her as an infuriating absurdity. Last night, I explained the book of Matthew, and she fell asleep soundly in bed.
Lord, I need you to work in their souls, and I also need you to work in mine. Moses led millions of stubborn Israelites, and he cried out in prayer to God, “What can I do with these people? Any minute now they’ll kill me!” I am instinctive and narrow-minded too, just hoping to save her alone.
Although I know I can change no one.
“Man is the measure of all things.” If a person has no clear purpose, seeing all sorts of messy things as valuable and functional, then the person who serves as the measure has a major problem. Once a person fails to put himself or herself as a “person” first, the corresponding thinking and intuition will inevitably fail. And because this person has already given up on caring for the inner selves, they will inevitably deny the existence of problems and even attack outwardly to defend their legitimacy.
People completely lose the possibility of reflecting and renewing themselves and can only live an animalistic life. Those who lament their fate in adversity may seem simple and harmless, but given the opportunity, they can also become tyrants and dictators. This phenomenon is present in my mother and in the vast majority of Chinese people, regardless of wealth. I don’t know where the breakthrough lies.
“God is the measure of man.” If a person delves into their own heart but does not take God as the measure, they will fail to truly understand themselves, resulting in either self-deprecation and enslavement or an excessive elevation of oneself and abuse of free will. This phenomenon often occurs in young and middle-aged people, and of course, they themselves, as the measure of all things, are also flawed, but they show nihilism and pretend to be profound, or fanaticism for certain things. I don’t know where the breakthrough lies.
I often cry for the sake of faith, but in fact, I lack patience and compassion for people. I always want to leave the familiar things and crowds, even if it means breaking the bridge and leaving no way back. My every decisive departure is seen as extreme and reckless by others, but I know that I do so for self-preservation. Now, Clinging to faith without compromising, isn’t it the most important self-protection? Why hesitate? He chose me, awakened me, and He can also abandon me, and ultimately judge me. So I feel like I have no choice. And as my mother said, “Your pain is entirely self-inflicted, what does it have to do with me?” Truly, once a person exercises their right to freedom of choice, it is very difficult for them to accept the Christian faith.
The Christian faith not only does not promise believers any worldly benefits, but also predicts loneliness, persecution, and martyrdom. Walking this path requires constantly tearing oneself apart, which is not the peace and joy understood by the world. It often comes with trembling fear and dizziness after abandoning self-righteousness… I can’t be like the idealistic zealots, full of greatness and correctness. Just imagine the most confident act of faith by the father of faith, Abraham—sacrificing of his only son—I don’t believe he had any peace and joy or great glory at that moment; when the Son of Man completed the sacrifice on the cross, the earth was an apocalyptic scene, would the Heavenly Father be peaceful and joyful?
I have seen many lazy Christians, comforting themselves in “peace and joy” their whole lives. I even often suspect that maybe it’s just because I haven’t been reborn yet that I am so grieving, and they really have been filled with the Holy Spirit and grace, so they are so “peaceful and joyful.”
I envy those Christians abroad who preach in public places, not only because of their freedom but also because I know I can’t change anyone. These three kinds of states are likely to be present in me as well, and every time I retreat from external interactions back to my private space, it takes me a long time to realize what stupid things I said and did, and then I regret deeply.
I long to spread the gospel, how can a Christian in a country like China not long to spread the gospel? But I don’t have the courage to really lead anyone onto this bitter path, I’m afraid they just replace Buddha with God as a spiritual refuge and replace Amitabha Buddha with so-called peace and joy; I’m even more afraid they’ll be like me, unable to fully integrate into this world and pursue licentiousness, nor to have complete faith and surrender for living a self-giving life.
Now I can only try to make my relatives and friends understand me a little, even if they are not believers, they shouldn’t discriminate against the Christian faith. I can only leave, escape from the false tenderness formed by all familiar things and crowds, escape from the habitual concepts and behaviors that I cannot break on my own, and escape from the sense of powerlessness that can only be covered up by silence.
Family and friends are behind me, is there a reborn self waiting in the distance?… I have no answer.