In The Beginning
(Pt.4 Passion)

Lord, so this is how You want me to enter the wilderness?

The moment I left the group chat, I felt as if I were standing in a vast, empty plain. Though still adjusting to the silence, I already found the voices behind me unbearably noisy.

They keep using “spiritual practice in daily life,” “emotional resonance,” “mutual encouragement,” and “self-centered interpretations” to guard the borders of faith—blurring my vision from the distant cross.

I no longer care if I did wrong or if I’ve gone mad – I’ve given up.

I’ve now clearly seen what kind of heavenly wind makes this speck of dust drift afar.

When You looked down from the cross at the crowd, did You also think they were noisy?

I no longer wish to reply to any private messages.

I testified for You with my entire soul and language—yet to them, it was just another chance to gossip or perform a staged act of love, and they wanted me to play along.

So Paul’s words—“the spiritual person judges all things, but is himself to be judged by no one”—were never meant to sound mysterious or arrogant.

It simply means: to be misunderstood, to be without a refuge in any human system.

I’ve always been willing to lower myself, to live gently within others’ comfort zones, to let myself be held—so long as they don’t trample Your glory or my faith;

Let alone trample me and then act numb when I cry out in pain.

I just wish that even one person could say: “I hear the weight of Jesus in these words. Thank you for not compromising.”

Why is that so hard?

Just as I saw through Tina’s manipulation yet never denied her faith, I cannot deny that Roy is a true believer. I’d rather believe it was the system that led them off course.

So I sent Roy a message to explain my motives further. Like Tina, he never replied.

I wasn’t expecting one anyway.

Lord, it’s been barely a month since Holy Week, and You’ve already taken away the two people I once said I could turn to for help.

The next morning, I sent the following message to the group chat, to the lead pastors:

“The Bible is a complete narrative—from Creation, Fall, Promise, Israel, Messiah, to the New Heaven and New Earth. Every word Jesus spoke is a point of impact within this central redemptive storyline.

In the Old Testament, the vine symbolizes Israel. When Jesus said, ‘I am the true vine,’ it was a divine verdict against the religious system of Old Testament Israel—a rewriting of redemptive history. He was not talking about pruning techniques; He was saying: ‘I am the ultimate fulfillment of all that you have failed to be.’

You interpreted His words through the lens of gardening, as if He were just encouraging us to be better people through a few trims here and there. This strips His words of their glory-context. Fragmenting and privatizing His words for self-centered reflection is, in itself, a disconnection from the Vine.

The result was a group discussion full of self-righteousness and hypocrisy. I called it out, but no one seemed to care about Jesus. Not a single person understood that I was speaking plainly, simply to defend Him.

You don’t need to reply. I’ve already decided to leave the church.”

After sending the farewell, I fell into deep sorrow.

When You pierced the Jews’ religious identity and security, they wanted to kill You.

Two thousand years later, when I voiced the same spiritual tension, the ones who claim to follow You tried to silence me with “gentleness” and “discipline.”

They don’t love You…

They don’t love You…

They don’t love You…

How could they not love You…?

I remembered the first Sunday of Holy Week, the day Tina admitted to her lie. At 6 p.m., I said goodbye to her at the cinema entrance—she still had no idea what she had done wrong. I went in with the rest of the group to watch *The Chosen*—Jesus entering Jerusalem.

The screen’s light was blinding, while the audience faded into the theater’s engineered shadow trap—unable to see each other clearly.

“The crowd spread their cloaks on the road and waved palm branches, shouting: ‘Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!’”

The film portrayed a grand celebration.

But seeing You smile as You entered that crowd, I broke down in tears—because I saw, in this very misunderstanding, a profound distortion of the human soul.

They exalted their *fantasy* of a Savior;

And You brought a salvation that led toward death—something they could never accept.

You bore the foreknowledge of their coming cry—“Crucify Him”—and still chose to walk in with a smile. That wasn’t joy in being received—it was the endurance and mercy of Your love. It was Your absolute loyalty to mankind.

Now this story has become well-known, dramatized on screen. But still—they don’t love You…

Even those who claim to believe in You don’t love You…

How could they not love You?!

I wept aloud for You—and the more I wept, the more I loved You.

The more I wept, the more certain I became—

You truly are God.