I Can Only Escape
This article was written at the beginning of March 2024 and was made up of snippets. Those days I stabbed a scalpel into my mind, my soul, and dissected myself to the extreme. I spent nearly every awake hour in tears.
These days, I’m increasingly realizing that what I needed to understand, how to see myself as a human, how to see others as human—I basically learned it all before the age of 20. Two years ago, I came across some thoughts from these old philosophy books that clearly pointed to Christ, I suddenly became aware that something was wrong, aware that I would only deteriorate after abandoning the Christian faith. Yet I still went on like this, until recently when I finally took the time to reflect and correct some of it. Now, I’ve discovered that the things I started self-training on since my teens are so profound; the understanding of humanity is well recorded in Western theology and philosophical books enlightened by Christian faith.
Is it destined for me to become lost in twenties? The profound words of the predecessors have minimal influence on me in my twenties. The good attempts of these thinkers to change human hearts with their works are so feeble and also a form of rational arrogance. Unless there is an infusion of word of God, reading and writing is in vain.
People on this land can easily be captivated by grand narratives, then continuously satisfied with shallow, self-designed happiness and a happily-ever-after, and then just live on like that. As individuals, they never enter the realm of their own minds. But I really can’t achieve self-consistency this way, no one can. We all have mental illness caused by this constant conflict in mind, accumulated ever since childhood. This mental illness will eventually lead to evil, hurting each other, hurting other countries. The beauty of this world is very likely to be buried by sinners like us who never enter their own minds and repent.
I have to be honest, especially after returning to the faith in Christ; I find life increasingly difficult, a dead end. But I am not prepared to martyr myself at all. I am trapped in a sense of powerlessness; I am still in evil, very foolish and shameless, and I am so aware that I will continue to be this way in the future. I only have a bit of awareness and ability to correct myself now, but will never truly “turn and become like little children.”
The only solution I can think of is to completely escape from this environment. Not to escape from high pressure or persecution, but to escape from this conspicuously evil self of mine. Otherwise, I can only go around in circles between criticism and repentance, finding it hard to love myself, or anyone else.
When I was very young, my mother often said, “Why are you so critical, finding fault in everything?” She is just one of those well-trained in “hypocrisy,” accustomed to pursuing that kind of one-dimensional, self-designed happily-ever-after. So, what she said is definitely an exaggeration. When I was young, I could criticize and praise at the same time, which is a two-sided process of genuine love. But I finally learned to lie in order to avoid troubles. When I almost spent my entire 20s merging with a conspicuous evil, whether brainwashed and numbly following or struggling or rebelling, I have already taken on the same evil.
I can only escape, go to a genuine place where I can be loved, then shatter myself, and rebuild. I want to practice loving real people within reach. And I won’t turn back to curse the Chinese like those who have escaped are doing, I don’t even want to curse the CPC. Because I clearly see the same evil within me, I am no kinder than anyone on this land, just had basked in the divine for a while. I only want to rebuild myself.
I need such an environment, such people, who treat me well just because I, like them, am God’s treasure, not because I can top exams, get scholarship, find a decent job, offer lip service, pretend to be glamorous and superior. They criticize me just because they don’t want me to stray from God, but not subjected to scrutiny and discipline, afraid that I might say or do something wrong and become a troublemaker, and constantly try to rule over me and reduce me to something less than human.
Lord, it’s not about a splinter in my brother’s eye; it’s complete rebellion. And I have been immersed in it all my life, the beam in my eye has finally grown into a dark forest, blocking out the sun. Sodom and Gomorrah were full of heinous sins, you would turn away from one city or one country, but you won’t abandon any individual. So, as an individual, I can have a way and be rebuilt, it is entirely possible. Please give me courage, don’t forsake me!