CPTSD
2024 Jun.
I cannot see the darkness within myself that is not covered by Christ’s precious blood. It’s not because I am holy, but because I am ignorant.
A month and a half before leaving China, I returned to my hometown to spend my last days in China, following the Lord’s guidance. During those few days, conflicts with my mother were constant. After an extremely intense confrontation, I finally realized that she had been abusing me. I waited until she went out that evening, quickly packed my bags, and fled from that house, seeking refuge at my uncle’s home.
During arguments and scoldings, Jesus would be cursed along with me; when I cried in sadness, I would be mocked for not repenting. That night as I walked down the street with my suitcase, I continually repented to Christ, thanking Him for bearing my sins on the cross.
From that night, I began another process of memory recovery. Two months prior, I recalled bits and pieces of my childhood exploration of the Christian faith; this time, I remembered the dense and pervasive abuse I suffered as a child.
It was like waking up from a long nightmare, trapped in a hypnotic state, suddenly feeling awake. I fully understood that my mother did not love me. There was no love, none at all, never had been. The terrifying situation I faced as a child was the devil’s grip on me.
My past life finally had a coherent narrative that I could integrate and reflect upon, rather than feeling like I was looping through different worlds, unable to review the past. In these memory flashbacks, my understanding and perception of past traumas were reshaped, but the pain also surged like a flood, threatening to drown me.
When I was overwhelmed by these flashbacks to the point of wanting to commit suicide, only one belief sustained me:
If all things exist for only the purpose of His glory, and He created me for such a good purpose, then no creature can inflict an absolute evil upon me. Therefore, in any darkness, I can always hope to be delivered from it.
A person cannot truly destroy another person or cut off all their opportunities, no matter how long they have been abused from childhood. Because humans are merely humans, fellow creatures, not gods. Even God Himself, to save human souls, was willing to become flesh and be nailed to the cross.
Before I came into this world, He already regarded me as precious and bought me with a high price, so He could not possibly leave me without a way out. Since God has given me a way out, I have no reason not to take it.
Since two thousand years ago, He has borne what I could not bear, then in every phase of my life, the suffering He allows must be what I can bear at that stage, and behind His permission must be His good will.
I will no longer speculate why I specifically began to engage with the Christian faith as a child. Perhaps God saw the unbearable blows I would face and intervened in my life to preserve my soul. He protected me well, but after I turned twenty, in my ignorance and arrogance, I abandoned Him. Within a year, I experienced dissociation, and in the following decade, at least four dissociative episodes. Childhood memories became almost completely blurred. I could not control my emotions, and anxiety manifested physically, preventing me from living and working normally.
In the end, it felt like I was exhausting my entire life and all my strength in a struggle against this world. Whether I actively fought back or passively resisted, regardless of what the world gave or withheld from me, I was just desperately holding on. Looking back now, my life’s journey during these years without God’s presence was incredibly harrowing.
Yet as soon as I tried to call out to Him for help, He immediately arranged a comprehensive rescue plan. I realized my own complete depravity and felt utterly unworthy of mercy and forgiveness. Yet, despite my constant doubts and resistance to His salvation and plans, He patiently reassured me with miracles, moved me with the cross, and strengthened me through the support of brothers and sisters. It wasn’t until then that my feelings of shock, trembling, and disorientation transformed into the joy and peace of being saved.
He guided me to learn about Chinese churches. Then, at an unexpectedly fast pace, He had my visa approved quickly, arranged for me to be smashed down in my hometown, and gave me ample time to see my past clearly and understand the reasons why I should leave this country.
Perhaps He has other intentions that I do not yet know, but I understand that I need only to have trust and courage to walk the path He has arranged for me.