A Letter to Phoebe (Pt.2)
Written on 2024 Apr 27.
But I am still alone, drifting, without a committed church, nor have I been baptized. I need brothers and sisters to walk with, and I need shepherding.
I got in touch with you through Xiaoyun, so I had more communication with her before. From her relay of the church’s teachings, I found a significant emphasis on moral preaching and idol worship, lacking understanding of death and the cross. I’ve participated in a few of your outdoor activities, and our conversations never touched on topics related to faith. Last Christmas Eve, I attended your gathering, and throughout, you hardly mentioned Christ. The greeting cards in the Christmas gift bags all talked about “Great God,” essentially a set of Confucian moral precepts, and even the candies depicted Santa Claus and Christmas trees.
Although some of you and I get along well in private, I sense that you seem to regard Christ only as a prophet. Or rather, you don’t think of him as the only way to be centered on God. I carefully read the evangelistic materials you lent me, and I did gain a few insights. But the author only talked about spiritual growth and what we should do, without mentioning the salvation of the Gospel.
Actually, the consensus I am seeking is very, very simple: it’s about Christ, the cross, and the redemptive Gospel.
I haven’t heard your pastor preach, and you mentioned that your pastor emphasizes that you should understand on your own; there isn’t a structured organization, everyone remains atomized. Yet, I genuinely long for my pastor to not just be a lecturer but also to be a “shepherd” who can shepherd the little lambs of Christ. Not only should they shepherd the souls of individual sheep but also manage the flock, including caring for the society in which the flock resides.
I cannot attend the government-official churches, and I don’t know how to go to the underground churches raided by secret police. You told me that every church and fellowship has its flaws, not to have fantasies. But I indeed have principles and needs that I cannot give up. I also know that sooner or later I will sting you with Christ and Him crucified.
I still need to leave this country. I believe the Lord let me experience all this in the past few months, guiding me to this decision. It’s just that now, I no longer have a mindset of fleeing. If he decides for me to leave this country now, then I’ll leave. If in the future, he guides me back, then I’ll come back.
When we chatted, you two lowered your voice when you mention the word “Christian,” and your church also teaches to avoid troubles, not to leave any trace on the internet.
But I really need to show my Christian identity to this society. So I must wear a cross, talk about faith on my every WeChat Moment post, and urgently want to declare my Christian identity to everyone I meet. Not only because I hope more people will hear the Gospel, but also because I want to make up for my owing over the years. I don’t know if the police will come after me, causing me to stumble and owe more, but I don’t want to scare myself first. Lord, I ask for your mercy, not to let me encounter temptations.
The beauty of faith lies not only in Jesus Christ as a personal savior, but also in Jesus Christ as the King of kings, and our Father’s will being done on earth as it is in heaven. Growing up in a completely rebellious nation, I have unknowingly assimilated into rebellion (Phoebe, you have repeatedly expressed the idea that the rise of our nation is above God’s will), and I have become arrogant and ruthless over the years of distortion and suppression.
This is an environment that I cannot beat.
“Father, if it is possible, do not give me this cup of suffering. But do what you want, not what I want.”