A Letter to Phoebe (Pt.1)
Written on 2024 Apr 27. In early April, after returning to Guangzhou, I felt my faith faltering. But thank God—meeting Phoebe, a sister from a former church, renewed my confidence. The next morning, I finally felt God’s presence.
Phoebe, you said you admire me, saying that if it were you, you wouldn’t be able to hold on for so long alone. That might not be entirely accurate because, in reality, it seems I haven’t been a Christian for very long.
Perhaps all this time, I’ve just been a seeker of righteousness, only now beginning to truly be a Christian. I feel like a little baby in the spirit, yet at the same time, like a prodigal who had roamed far for years.
But you’re right about one thing: being on my own does indeed make me vulnerable to attacks from Satan.
As I reflect on the past years, I see Satan’s influence over me. Yet, strangely, there have been times when I clearly had the opportunity to descend deeper into the abyss, but it’s as if some force prevented it from happening.
In the past few months, I’ve felt very strongly attacked by Satan twice. One was two months ago when I deeply realized I was living in unbearable sin, not knowing how to escape it. The nightmares during that time were about being hunted down by assailants, and just as they were about to catch me, I would wake up startled, immediately turning to prayer.
Earlier, I had listened to the Lord’s guidance and posted a profile on an international social platform. During the days when nightmares haunted me, I happened to have a conversation with a brother from Sweden. Although we quickly lost contact, his earnest listening and sincere encouragement truly helped me. The day after we lost touch, I began to feel alive again and, for the first time in prayer, playfully talked to our Heavenly Father. Since then, many of my prayers have been playful… It seems I’ve truly become like a child again.
So, I believe Andreas was sent by our Heavenly Father, and this time, I believe you are too.
Since returning to Guangzhou from my hometown, I didn’t know how to continue in my faith. My spirits were low during the day, and nightmares plagued me at night. The nightmares involved being mistreated by deceased elders. However, upon waking, instead of praying, I envisioned taking revenge for the mistreatment in my dream.
During those days in my hometown, I didn’t behave like a true Christian. Even before returning home, I had already committed sins—fearful, demanding, devoid of compassion. It seems I must act arrogant like everyone else to be able to communicate. So, I chose silence. I spoke a lot to my mother but couldn’t move her in the slightest. I found it hard to resist changes in lifestyle; in my own place, I was accustomed to simplicity and occasional fasting, while at home, I was surrounded by abundance and consumed by clutter.
Yes, I have returned to a compromised state of a living corpse, and I am disappointed in myself. Seeing them, the living corpses, walk towards hell, I feel powerless. It’s not just that their hearts are hardened, but also because I lack the ability, and I cannot pretend otherwise.
At the same time, I am learning about the history of the development of the Chinese churches, realizing my own ignorance and cowardice. I reread my past writings on faith, feeling as if I’m reading the evidence of my sins before His judgment after my death.
The night before our gathering, I prayed to the Lord, “Father, that’s how weak I am, you see what you can do.” I told you at the beginning of our gathering that I felt like I don’t believe Him anymore, don’t know how to continue believing. Those two days, I truly wondered if he was going to abandon me.
But your presence helped me understand. He must love me very much to have let me meet you, to have you come and talk to me. He always brings people into my life just in time to unravel my confusion. When I got home that night, I prayed to the Lord to teach me not to fear, not to demand, not to rush, not to escape… and please, Lord, don’t let nightmares tempt me again.
A night of peaceful sleep, waking up in the morning, I was enveloped in His love. So that’s what peace and joy are like—it feels so comforting. I also realized that I do love him; I just need to gradually recognize how much I love him, to understand how deeply the Gospel is embedded in my life. Surely, once I reach a certain level of understanding, I won’t be afraid anymore, nor will I stumble again.