A Daughter of Jerusalem
This article was written in mid-March 2024 for my imagined future child and also for my inner child. After I regained the memory of childhood abuse by my mother, I revised this article to rethink the parent-child relationship.
“But Jesus turning unto them said, Daughters of Jerusalem, weep not for me, but weep for yourselves, and for your children.”
I had always wanted to write this article, but I’d never been able to write it. Because I don’t have children yet, I can’t truly understand what it means to “weep for your children,” I can only imagine.
So, if Lord eventually commits you to my care, and if one day you come across this article, don’t laugh at Mom for being so verbose before she even becomes a mother, I’m actually quite introverted now.
In my motherland, women’s wombs were controlled by the government. Countless pregnant women once died from forced abortions in order to enforce the “one-child policy.” Your granny was also forced to have an abortion, and she still regrets it to this day. And when the country faced a population crisis, the government encouraged childbirth and banned abortions. However, refusing to give birth became the consensus among young women in society.
Because they believed that children are born to be enslaved, they didn’t have the ability to give their children a good life, nor were they willing to sacrifice their own good lives for their children; not having children was actually being responsible for them. When I said, “I really want children,” many women mocked me, saying, “You can have children, have a dozen, and then bear the burden of our elderly care in the future.”
The government and the people may seem opposed, but in reality, there is no difference—they never see people as human beings.
My child, always remember that you are a human being, a unique creation of God, a person for whom Christ suffered. You are an incredibly precious miracle, and your life has eternal significance; whereas all the authorities in this world have nothing to do with “eternity.” Since He loves you as the apple of an eye, no one has the right to treat you as nothing. When you simply believe that you are always loved, you can love others, because you also know that everyone’s life comes from God and is incredibly precious.
You bear the image of God, with thoughts, words, and various abilities. Because God originally created us to govern this wonderful world, we are the best of all creatures. Regardless of your birthplace or where you end up, you will always have infinite possibilities in this world.
So I promised you, no matter how and in what state you come, I will not take your life away from you and will not base my future on screening life. I am not a very brave person, and have had countless sordid moments. But I am not a fascist who exterminates people perceived as threats to their own interests.
If life is a grace, then every pregnancy should be a surprise. It may not be a surprise to you, but to me, it certainly is. I want to live in the surprises that come through faith, not in the fears that arise from lust.
Throughout my life, I’ve experienced many traumas, and I’m sure there are still many negative effects that I’m not fully aware of yet. Even the ones I do recognize are often hard to overcome. I think you will become one of my best friends. A child’s heart is so soft, I don’t want to burden you with my traumas, but they inevitably affect our day-to-day life. So, I will share my past with you when the time is right, not to seek your empathy, but so you can understand the cause and effect and make your own judgments.
You are inevitably going to make mistakes, too, so repent as soon as possible, don’t be trapped by your pride. When you realize that some mistakes are too costly, don’t give up on yourself, remember that Christ has not given up on us. God will always provide us with a way out, even if the path is full of thorns, you must bravely explore it. When you think you are at a dead end, just change directions, you will harvest unexpected abundance again.
Christians online say this is the end times. But no one knows when the end will come, “And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!” When I read this sentence in the Bible, of course, I am afraid. But I must believe that God’s blessing is always greater than disaster.
I don’t want to waste my energy worrying about the end times. The beauty of this world is actually driven by suffering. Christ’s suffering is the greatest driving force in history, and countless Christians have understood this tragic spirit and followed suit. If the doomsday really comes, let’s bear our responsibility as human beings together, put trust in Him, and fight this good fight.
Lord, I know I cannot plan my life with my limited reason, but I am desperate, I have to make such a choice—leave China, go to a country of biblical tradition. I have been resisting my tradition and original culture almost my entire life, it’s hard not to be swallowed by this place. I really don’t have the strength to resist my own family anymore.
I won’t let my children grow up in a country that offers children as living sacrifices. The crap and lies I’ve heard since I was young, it’s best if they never have to hear them. I won’t let my children get mentally ill at such an early age.
My child, you need to be humble in spirit and love the truth, but don’t be a self-righteous lunatic. There aren’t many truly worth reading books in this world, but once you waste your time on the works of self-righteous lunatics, it’s not enough. Hold fast to God’s words, have dialogues with the truth, have dialogues with those thinkers who held fast to God’s words, and then contemplate yourself. Just contemplate yourself, don’t be captivated by any abstract collective or grand narrative.
Just love God, love the real people you’ve met, carefully. Don’t imagine how grand your love can be, and then be moved by yourself, using this evil righteousness to hurt others.
I believe that poverty is shameful. Unless there are exceptional circumstances, a person with the ability to think and work should not be poor. However, a glamorous life is not important either. I have experienced vanity—joy fades quickly, leaving behind only an ugly emptiness. I often wonder: if even the Son of God never enjoyed a luxurious or comfortable life on earth, how could we, mere mortals, ever be worthy of the food on our table today?
But I do hope that you can lead a life of “poetic dwelling” in this end times era, the premise of which is faith in Christ. Aesthetic taste without faith is meaningless.
In the history of my motherland, all intellectuals pursued aesthetic taste, but they made no contribution to humanity. Of the two most outstanding people with aesthetic taste, one had a falling out with the monarch and then committed suicide by jumping into a river, and the other never got promoted so he drank heavily every day.
Modern people invest in aesthetic taste in eating, drinking, having fun, and dating, but it’s just about eating, drinking, having fun, and dating. Although they may seem beautiful—so beautiful that they even resemble a kind of gospel—once you truly understand the Gospel and experience real grace, looking back, you will realize that those aesthetic experiences are unworthy of your soul. For the essence of all aesthetic experience lies in the communion between your life and the very Source of Life.
You’ll probably find out in the future that your mom is a crybaby. Don’t despise my tears too much, because I am that weeping daughter of Jerusalem. My child, I am willing to cry out of concern for your trials, please don’t let me cry for your fall.